My Girls

It is natural for us to like the stories that have elements we can relate to more. Since I am a female myself, it is easier for me to find elements I can relate to in a story if it is either built around leading female characters or has very substantial supporting female characters. Therefore, I have a special interest in series that focus mainly on females: Xena, Gilmore Girls, Sex and the City, The L Word, Orange is the New Black …

When Girls started in 2012, because of this interest, I was super excited to have a new series with four female leads to follow. However, watching the first two episodes was a total fiasco for me. None of the characters were relatable even though their ages were close to mine. They were too immature and selfish to the point of being obnoxious. I don’t mean that my friends and I act like maester Aemon from Game of Thrones. Something just didn’t feel right. Maybe this is due to not being an American or the writers exaggerating the behavior of the characters in the series for the sake of comedy, which happens very frequently in TV series.

To sum up, our first couple dates with Girls didn’t go so well, I decided to split after that. It wasn’t love at first sight like Mad Men, or wasn’t like meeting one of your best friends like Six Feet Under, or didn’t feel like adopting a new religion like Gilmore Girls. (Some of you might be thinking I should be institutionalized for writing that last sentence, but this is who I am. I live through books, movies, and series.)

It was around the time of its second season premiere my Illegitimate Daughter encouraged me to give Girls a second chance. So I did. This time I was more determined to go forward even if I can’t relate to it, and it payed off. All I had to do was to be patient till the end of the third episode.

The ending scene of Girls’ third episode is one of my favorite scenes from a TV series ever and it is the one that attached me forever to this series. In the scene Marnie returns home from an awkward encounter with the guy she is falling for to find Hannah dancing in her room to Dancing on my Own. Hannah reveals that she learned her ex-boyfriend was gay. Then, they start dancing together. The scene (and the episode) ends with Hannah and Marnie hugging. 

This scene sent me right back to my college days in Istanbul where I was sharing a dorm-room with Illegitimate Daughter. After the episode ended, I wrote to her immediately something along the lines of “this is our scene”.

You don’t think about that person you share most of your life with as you live through your college days. You are used to her being there when you come back to your room after a very tiring day, and spending quality time with her naturally without putting much effort. What worries you mostly is your classes, future goals, getting the best of this magnificent city that you live in, the boy you wake up next to from time to time … But today what really remains from all that beautiful mess to you is that girl you shared your room with. She is the one you still talk to almost every day. You remember her wedding day as one of the happiest days of your life. You realize now that she was actually the best thing you had in those college days.

If life has been generous with you like it has been with me, you will have several more girls like that. One will be the person that you share some of your lowest moments during your PhD days, and she will still love you and help you keep going. Another one will be the most fruitful outcome of a summer internship and feed your fearless side. You will reconnect with one more strongly years later after life temporarily throws you in different directions. Seeing an email from one first thing in the morning will make your day. Some will be the only ones you would like to see during a work related event full of men when you are having your period. Some you will know that are always there even if you don’t talk that often.

In the following years (and seasons) Girls did the same thing for me over and over. I still don’t relate to the characters themselves much. However, when it comes to the dynamics of female friendship, Girls reflects it very well and smartly. With each season, I loved the show more and more. Now we have come to its end (the final season starts airing this Sunday). Even though we had a shaky start, now watching it feels like having a girl’s night out with my girls. And I will miss it.

Public Restrooms, Boycotting, and Why I Cannot Like Bono

First, a short paragraph on my opinion on public restrooms.

I rarely hesitate to use men’s restroom when the ladies’ restroom is full and men’s is empty. I personally don’t find the restroom separation based on gender meaningful. If you would like to build urinals for faster processing, I understand that separating them from the rest of the toilets makes sense. However, in restaurants having two restrooms with the same toilets and marking them for different gender doesn’t make sense to me.

Which brings me to boycotting North Carolina due to its bathroom bill.

One of the premier conferences in my field of research, SIGMOD/PODS, was supposed to be in North Carolina this year. On January 16th, the Executive Committee of SIGMOD/PODS decided to move this year’s conference elsewhere in order to be in line with various boycotts against North Carolina for not repealing the law that forces people to use the restroom that corresponds to the gender on their birth certificate.

I had a bitter-sweet feeling when I read this news. On the one hand, it is wonderful to see a vast collective action taken by many to support diversity and the rights of the LGBTQ community. On the other hand, (1) I am not sure if we are the right community to advocate for diversity when we are failing at it ourselves (but this is not the point of this post), and (2) I come from a land who endured some boycotts and I remember hating them even if I supported the causes.

I am not a big fan of cultural boycotts (boycotts by academics, writers, artists …) against a country or state in the form of not visiting that country or state. I think the people you hurt through such boycotts are mainly the people who actually think like you. People who do not think like you usually don’t give a shit. How do we even know that majority of the people in North Carolina support this bill? Why are we condemning all of them for an action their government took? And do the people who support this bill actually care about us not visiting their state? I understand that there are potential economic losses as part of such boycotts. However, in the case of SIGMOD/PODS, the venues we use for conferences usually belong to some corporation, which we would benefit eventually even if we move the conference to another location.

Which brings me to the topic why I cannot like Bono.

For years U2 did not give a concert in Turkey to protest the human rights violations in the country. Then, the band decided to give their first concert in Turkey in 2010 when our now-president was then the prime minister. Surely, Turkey wasn’t free of human rights violations in 2010, so I have no idea what changed Bono’s mind in 2010 and I don’t really care. This whole attitude of Bono not just against Turkey but also other countries (e.g., Serbia, …), is the main reason my favorite South Park episode is More Crap (Season 11 Episode 9), which claims that Bono has always been a "number 2".

I am not a U2 fan myself so I wouldn’t have minded if Bono had never visited Turkey. However, by not visiting Turkey for so long, the only people Bono really harmed was his own fans. Leaders with conservative or dictatorial tendencies do not really care if you boycott them. On the contrary, they benefit from it because you are hurting the same people they tend to hurt. You don’t contribute to the sounds of opposition in that land, instead leave them alone in their fight. Why didn’t Bono visit Turkey earlier and raise his concerns over human rights violations during a concert in Turkey? Why can’t we go to North Carolina and say that we will allow all the conference attendees to use the bathroom they prefer regardless of their gender?

The other issue I have with cultural boycotts is that how we decide when and why to boycott. I agree that as human beings, we cannot boycott everything as we cannot be activists for everything. However, I don’t understand why it is worth boycotting Turkey for its human rights violations or North Carolina for its bathroom bill and it is not worth boycotting USA and EU for their policies over countries in Middle East.

I am not stating these to sound like a smart-ass. I am asking you sincerely. These are issues I keep questioning myself as a person who has been looked down upon due to her Turkish passport on several occasions. I cannot find answers that really satisfy me. So I would like you to question with me as well to maybe find better and more inclusive answers.