First, I want to confess that I have no particular agenda with these grief posts. I just wanted to write about my experience with grief and acknowledge some of the films and series about grief that I find very genuine and helpful.
In this post, we are moving from collective grief to personal one with Manchester by the Sea (2016), which is a film that is easy to label as depressing or heavy (or tung as the Danes will say). I, on the other hand, find it to be one of the most optimistic films ever made. It is one of my favorite films. I will argue why the rest of this post.
I will do my best not to reveal too much more than the film’s synopsis and trailer already reveal, but some of my comments may hint more. If you are interested in this film and want to be on the safe side, don’t read this.
Manchester by the Sea deals with grief that is triggered by the loss of family members, especially the ones that we lose too early. It starts with the lead character Lee Chandler learning the death of his older brother, who was maybe in his early 50s or younger. As a result, Lee finds himself back in his hometown to deal with the aftermath of this death, and the film reveals things about his past that hide bigger sources of grief.
When Lee arrives at the hospital his brother died in, his various reactions (face, body, and speech) is what captivated me and pulled me into the story. None of his reactions are the traditional expected dramatic movie reactions to loss. Lee stays calm and reserved upon hearing the news. He jumps into practical matters immediately like whom to inform about the death. In parallel, his face, eyes, and awkward body movements tell a completely different story, and mirror his grief. That whole hospital sequence beautifully and heartbreakingly illustrates how grief could be so silent and hidden behind everyday matters or duty after the loss of a loved one.
The film then continues with further genuine depiction of loss in family, at least a depiction of loss that I could recognize very well. On the one hand, you have to deal with the practical matters like the funeral. On the other hand, life goes on as if nothing happened and you have to function somehow as before in the society. You may even laugh or feel real joy at certain moments. In between, when you catch a break, you are left alone with your grief or sometimes your grief comes out when you least expect it. Throughout all this, if you are lucky, your support system (family and friends) gives you the biggest strength to keep going.
The realistic depiction of all these facets of life after loss is the beauty of this film. It underlines that life still goes on after loss and there is still a place for us in it no matter how much it hurts at that moment. We don’t have the power to pause either life or our grief. We may never be the same person as before. Some things may break beyond full recovery. We may grieve all our lives for certain losses. Still, we can find a way to move forward, especially with the help of our support system, even if it requires us to rebuild our broken core and transform our grief, even if it takes years of work. If this isn’t an extremely optimistic message to end with, I don’t know what is.
Completely cheerful films may have the effect of a healthy drug that makes us forget hard things. They are certainly valuable. Movies like Manchester by the Sea, on the other hand, can help us face hardship in life in a non-self-destructive way and find a way to move forward.
I watched Manchester by the Sea the week it had its wide-release in USA. It was December 2016. I didn’t know anything about its synopsis. I just knew it was supposed to be one of the highlights of the year, which was the year of La La Land and Moonlight. It was also roughly 10 days after my dad told me over Skype (I lived in Bay Area then, my parents live in Turkey) that he had a mild heart attack that summer. (He is doing alright now.) I didn’t know what to do, felt so powerless, and didn’t know whom to talk to or even how to talk about this.
My father lost two of his older
brothers when I was 8 and 10, respectively. They passed away two years apart on
the same age in their early 50s. When it comes to expressing his grief, my dad
has been minimalist. His grief was certainly visible, especially in the early
days, but also appeared sporadically over the years. Lee Chandler’s reserved
nature when it comes to his grief reminded me so much of my father’s back when
we were going through all the funerals and wakes. In addition, Manchester is a
gloomy costal town in USA similar to the town I come from in Turkey. In short,
it isn’t very difficult to pull me into Manchester by the Sea on any day. It is like looking at an old family photo album.
So that December, some months after my discovery of The Leftovers and 10 days after learning my dad’s heart attack, I got another unexpected helping hand in a movie theater helping me process my fear of potentially losing my dad and also remember my uncles joyfully.
P.S. After writing this post, I found this video that talks about how the music and camera angles used in this film also amplifies the realistic depiction of grief. It contains spoilers, though.
