It is spring 2019. I am in Danish class, Module 4, the module before the last one before you take your big Danish language exam that proves your proficiency in the language. As usual, we are grouped into two-person groups for our in-class exercises. My group partner is an enthusiastic Gen-Z German who is about to finish his MSc in Denmark. Thanks to the similarities of his native language to Danish and doing his Danish homework regularly, he is almost proficient in Danish at this point. I, on the other hand, am only proficient in following Danish subtitles of movies, which is the most essential Danish language skill I must have as far as I am concerned.
The teacher gives our assignment, which is to pick a person we admire and describe who they are and why we admire them. at beundre means to admire in Danish. I learn this at this moment unlike my group partner, who did his homework and already knows what at beundre means.
The first person that pops up in my head is Tori Amos for some reason. But I think to myself, I don’t have the Danish speaking skills to express why I admire her so much and maybe it would too personal anyway, which defeats the purpose of the group exercise. Then, I think, this isn’t the best assignment to do in a group, how are we supposed to agree on one name. Isn’t this a personal thing? I wait for my group partner to take initiative and speak first instead. He says “Greta Thunberg”.
Gen-Z kid is good. Who wouldn’t admire Greta? I am maybe a stereotypical self-centered millennial. I cannot win this. I know it isn’t a competition, but still … I cannot argue for Tori now. It would be like arguing for why one of my favorite films is The Science of Sleep to someone whose favorite film is Citizen Kane … in Danish!
I tell him “Let’s go with Greta”. I let him tell the teacher why we picked Greta and why she is to be admired with his great Danish. I feel too tired anyway to talk even in English. I spent yesterday till late evening preparing my lecture for today for a course I am giving for the first time. I enjoy teaching very much, but I feel dead-tired after each class. It is the same routine every week in the life of this junior academic.
At the end of that module, my Danish teacher tells me that I shouldn’t be taking the next module since my Danish speaking level is too low in contrast to my writing and reading. Roughly one year after him telling me this, I will get an A in the speaking part of the Danish proficiency exam unlike my lower grades in reading and writing. However, at that moment, it hurts to hear this even though I know very well that he is right. I blame myself for not being more extroverted and social to have more Danish speaking friends to practice with. It adds to the frustrations of my inner Hulk.
This is a relatively mild frustration, though, for that green monster. She has a lot bigger anger and grief, the two emotions that she doesn’t know how to disentangle from each other. I sometimes wish I can release her to smash everything around me. I am aware of some of the reasons that is at the root of this, for the others probably I need way deeper and objective analysis. But, so far, I have not been a person who could commit to things like therapy, meditation, mindfulness … It is on me, not on them.
On the other hand, I have never had a problem committing to films, books, TV, songs …, especially to understand myself, other people, and the world better. I highly recommend this as a cheaper form of therapy. The first time I remember doing this was using ET trying to process the first big death in my life when I was 8.
I admire Tori Amos, because her songs help me process my anger and grief in a way that is neither self-destructive nor based on denial of emotions and transform them to be constructive forces in my life in the long run. Listening to her is a practice that sometimes I have to take on every day, and some other times I visit after taking a break for a few months. But it works every time, and I wish I had the power to help another person the way her songs has helped me over the years.
I finished her new book Resistance last weekend. Reading the book was a similar experience to listening to her songs, and also made me remember this memory from Danish class last year. At the end, it also reminded me I haven’t committed to writing since I moved to Denmark and kicked my butt to write again.
