Tuesday, December 26, 2023

Emergency Room


In recent years, I haven’t been able to spend that much alone time with my parents during my visits to Turkey, since we tend to have other family staying with us during holiday seasons. There is a reason why every couch and sofa my parents have at home can become a bed. I adopted this couch habit at each place I lived.

I love our visitors; they are people I miss and would like to see as well. Some of them come to us mainly to see me. Some of them live abroad like I do, so they come to see us. However, I have also lived away from my parents since I was 17 and I have no siblings. The time I visit my parents is crucial to us as I don’t see them often and we are each other’s core family.

Thus, I asked my parents to come to Copenhagen last year for the New Year’s instead of me going to Istanbul, and they welcomed the idea of spending time just us three. During their visit, my grandmother passed away[i]. We flew to Istanbul the next day altogether. That visit to Istanbul for her funeral was the last time I saw my uncle, one of my mom’s brothers, who also passed away earlier this year[ii]. Furthermore, we lost my aunt[ii], my dad’s sister, who lived in Chicago and usually visited us during summer holidays.

In darker parts of my grief earlier this year, I felt like a selfish asshole for wishing to have only my parents for the holidays. It is as if in return for that wish, I lost three close family members. Logically, I know the losses had nothing to do with my wish. I didn’t wish people dead, I just wanted more time with my parents.

 

This year, for the end of year holidays, we again have a fuller house with other family members visiting. I am excited to see all these people, especially after this year’s losses. However, as usual, that excitement comes with the trade-off of my time with my mom and dad.

I arrived in Istanbul the evening of December 22nd. My parents welcomed me at the airport together with a family member who flew in from Izmir earlier that day. My dad drove us home. My aunt, my mom’s sister, was there waiting for us. We all had dinner. We would have more family coming in a few days.

My mom recently had surgery because they found skin cancer in her nose. It was benign, but it was better to remove it. Shortly after dinner, my mom went to the bathroom to renew the bandage on her nose and my dad went to help her. I was on my laptop writing while others watched TV. At some point, I heard my mom asking my dad if he is ok. I went there to check. My dad wasn’t ok. He was feeling dizzy and the color on his face was fading. Shortly after, he couldn’t stand without us supporting him, and he started mumbling. We called an ambulance.

My dad had a heart attack once back when I lived in the US. It was a mild one. He didn’t even notice it, he thought he was having a rough day. In other words, he had the best heart attack one could have, if such a thing exists. They noticed the traces of a prior heart attack during a checkup, which my mom forced him to go to, later that year.

By the time the ambulance came, my dad was in better shape. But given his prior history with heart issues, they decided to take him to hospital to keep him under observation for a while to make sure there is nothing heart related. I went with him. They told me that I couldn’t stay at the back of the ambulance, since it was illegal, and I should ask the driver if he would be willing to have me in the front. It was my first time in an ambulance. I felt very uneasy leaving my dad at that moment, but I knew they had to do their job. The driver allowed me in the front. He played some games on his phone as I waited anxiously while they did some initial tests on my dad. At some point, they opened the small window between the front and the back of the ambulance to tell the driver it was time to move. I could then hear my dad answering some questions in his normal voice, which calmed me down.

When we reached the hospital, I first had to deal with some paperwork before joining my dad in one of the emergency rooms. We talked about what stresses him out these days, did some gossiping, discussed world politics as the hospital staff came in and out asking us questions, getting more blood from my dad, and performing additional checks. At some point, my dad said “This way we got to spend some alone time. We were worried that we would get none during your visit. You can write about this in your blog.” It was true. It was one of the rare times I spent alone with my dad in years. I really don’t wish to repeat this, though.

After a while, I told him to try to get some sleep. Even though there were still interruptions for test results and more blood checks, he did get some naps. Eventually, they let us go. My mom’s older brother drove us back. There wasn’t anything heart related to worry about in the end. It was likely a low blood pressure issue, and he has also been overwhelmed lately for various reasons.

 

I used to have a dedicated day each with my mom and dad whenever I visited them on holidays. I usually went to the movies with my dad and had a shopping day with my mom. I don’t remember exactly when we stopped such routines. Was it after the Gezi Park Protests? The aftermath of these protests was among the incidents in recent Turkish history that put cracks in our hopes for the future and the joy we get when we are in our favorite districts in Istanbul. Or was it people in the family starting to get older and acquiring more serious illnesses? That certainly shifted our priorities when it came to how we spend time with the family.

 

Routines change over time, usually to create space for other routines. This is how we progress in life. For the most part, this is a good thing. But it doesn’t simplify the process of letting go as L.M. Montgomery also puts it.

“Outgrowing things we love is never a pleasant process.” L.M. Montgomery, Emily of New Moon

As a result of my many moves, coming from a relatively more complex country, and my family situation, I think I had to outgrow more than my fair share.

Regardless, I need to learn to cherish whatever form of time I have with my parents, friends, other family … rather than expecting to revive older routines. Maybe we get to do some of those older things from time to time, but we don’t need them to put higher value for our time.

 

Happy new year everyone! To new routines! :) 

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