“I don’t think home is a place anymore. I think it’s a state
of mind.”
Neil Gaiman, The
Sandman Vol. 5 – A Game of You
When I was a little kid, home was the apartment my mom and
dad lived in.
During high school, home was both the apartment my parents
lived in and my high school classroom because that high school classroom was
the first place where I left being my parent’s kid and became an individual.
When I left home for college, the first couple of years, the
college campus was my home. In third grade, I started staying with Esra, the
person I would call my college roommate and also my illegitimate daughter. Together we tried to form a Gilmore-Girls-style household and among the
places I have called home so far, the dorm room I shared with her for two years
(which was dorm building O – room 306) was my favorite home.
After college, I moved to Switzerland. Despite living there
for a little more than 5 years, I never felt at home there. I always felt
detached from my apartment and did not invest in it to make it my home. It was
always a temporary place, the place I would get out of as soon as I finish my
PhD. During my time in Switzerland, when I thought of home I only thought of
Black Sea or Istanbul.
In November 2014, I moved from Switzerland. I had about a
month in Turkey before I moved to the US in January 2015. This intermediary
period, where I was in between countries, was the time I lost the meaning of home. Things got pretty messed up. I
witnessed Istanbul slowly transforming from an extremely glamorous drag queen into an incredibly annoying macho prick. (People who are familiar with the social/political
turmoil in Turkey during the past few years would understand this transformation.) I also briefly
visited my at-Black-Sea-coast hometown (Zonguldak) after like six years and it
made me sick (both psychologically and physically).
So I accepted, I don’t know where home is anymore. Some
people view this as a sad thing. I agree that it also makes me upset from time
to time. But who am I kidding? This is actually what I always wanted. I didn’t
want to belong to any specific place. I remember the summer holidays I had with
my parents where we stayed two days at one place and three days at another
place and another night at another place. Meeting different people, being on
the road, experiencing the unfamiliar ... Those were my favorite days from my
childhood. Similarly in college, I don’t remember staying in my dorm room for
ten consecutive days unless it was the exams’ period. I either visited some
relatives or stayed at different friends’ house in between.
However, as everything we want to achieve in life, losing
your sense of home also comes at a cost. I feel more and more that I never stay
at a place long enough to form a friend group that I can meet regularly or
build a family of my own. I hate admitting it because I fancy myself Xena
(a.k.a. Warrior Princess), but sometimes it makes me upset. On the other hand,
I have friends and family scattered all around the world and when I meet them
we just resume from where we left off. Those friends and family make me realize
that I am going to be just fine the way I am.
Now I feel at home at very random moments and those moments
always put a giant smile on my face. Like when …
… you come to your apartment in San Jose from work and find
your mom and dad preparing dinner while The Velvet Underground & Nico is
playing the background,
… your best friend in town (also known as your twin sister)
has a sleep over at your place,
… your Greek/academic brother starts warning you on eating
healthier after seeing you order a plate of French fries for lunch,
… your college roommate tells you that she is getting married,
… the waves of the Pacific hits you in the face and knocks
you to the ground,
… you gossip about the people at work with one of your
cousins during a work day afternoon drive,
… you start listening and singing System of a Down songs
with another cousin despite being exhausted and wanting to sleep after three
days of Lollapalooza, …
Well, as Barbie from Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman said “I don’t think home is a place anymore. I think
it’s a state of mind.”
