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“I don’t think home is a place anymore. I think it’s a state of mind.”

Neil Gaiman, The Sandman Vol. 5 – A Game of You

When I was a little kid, home was the apartment my mom and dad lived in.

During high school, home was both the apartment my parents lived in and my high school classroom because that high school classroom was the first place where I left being my parent’s kid and became an individual.

When I left home for college, the first couple of years, the college campus was my home. In third grade, I started staying with Esra, the person I would call my college roommate and also my illegitimate daughter. Together we tried to form a Gilmore-Girls-style household and among the places I have called home so far, the dorm room I shared with her for two years (which was dorm building O – room 306) was my favorite home.

After college, I moved to Switzerland. Despite living there for a little more than 5 years, I never felt at home there. I always felt detached from my apartment and did not invest in it to make it my home. It was always a temporary place, the place I would get out of as soon as I finish my PhD. During my time in Switzerland, when I thought of home I only thought of Black Sea or Istanbul.

In November 2014, I moved from Switzerland. I had about a month in Turkey before I moved to the US in January 2015. This intermediary period, where I was in between countries, was the time I lost the meaning of home. Things got pretty messed up. I witnessed Istanbul slowly transforming from an extremely glamorous drag queen into an incredibly annoying macho prick. (People who are familiar with the social/political turmoil in Turkey during the past few years would understand this transformation.) I also briefly visited my at-Black-Sea-coast hometown (Zonguldak) after like six years and it made me sick (both psychologically and physically).

So I accepted, I don’t know where home is anymore. Some people view this as a sad thing. I agree that it also makes me upset from time to time. But who am I kidding? This is actually what I always wanted. I didn’t want to belong to any specific place. I remember the summer holidays I had with my parents where we stayed two days at one place and three days at another place and another night at another place. Meeting different people, being on the road, experiencing the unfamiliar ... Those were my favorite days from my childhood. Similarly in college, I don’t remember staying in my dorm room for ten consecutive days unless it was the exams’ period. I either visited some relatives or stayed at different friends’ house in between.

However, as everything we want to achieve in life, losing your sense of home also comes at a cost. I feel more and more that I never stay at a place long enough to form a friend group that I can meet regularly or build a family of my own. I hate admitting it because I fancy myself Xena (a.k.a. Warrior Princess), but sometimes it makes me upset. On the other hand, I have friends and family scattered all around the world and when I meet them we just resume from where we left off. Those friends and family make me realize that I am going to be just fine the way I am.  

Now I feel at home at very random moments and those moments always put a giant smile on my face. Like when …

… you come to your apartment in San Jose from work and find your mom and dad preparing dinner while The Velvet Underground & Nico is playing the background,

… your best friend in town (also known as your twin sister) has a sleep over at your place,

… your Greek/academic brother starts warning you on eating healthier after seeing you order a plate of French fries for lunch,

… your college roommate tells you that she is getting married,

… the waves of the Pacific hits you in the face and knocks you to the ground,

… you gossip about the people at work with one of your cousins during a work day afternoon drive,

… you start listening and singing System of a Down songs with another cousin despite being exhausted and wanting to sleep after three days of Lollapalooza, …

Well, as Barbie from Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman said “I don’t think home is a place anymore. I think it’s a state of mind.”