Back in Lausanne!

I had never thought that I would be this upset because of coming to Europe from US. But I know the reason; it is all the people I had to say “goodbye” in the end.

If I write in the order that I had to say “goodbye”;

- greek brother; who taught me that it is ok to do mistakes in my work as long as I learn from them.

- good old friends from undergrad (Yasemin, Yigit, Kivanc, Ezgi); who made me remember once again that even if you don’t contact with good old friends for a long time, once you do, you can always start from where you left off as if you have never separated.

- aunt and cousins; who took me back to the years before I left Zonguldak and come to Istanbul for my university and made me realize that the everyday family routine is not actually something boring like I always thought it would be and it can give back to you the peace you often lose while working. I cannot really realize this when I visit my parents because it is usually not for more than a week and we try to do bazillion fun things during that week which doesn’t quite allow any routine but which gives me peace in some other way.


I came back to Lausanne,

weirded out when I heard the French speaking people on the streets due to hearing only Americanish for the last two weeks,

got into my apartment,

felt like a stranger to the place

till I called two good new friends (one greek, one turkish) for tea and then watched a movie with them. :)

Life is nice to me as long as I know how to feel not alone! :)

"This is the end of an era!"[1]

Last week, I finished another series; Six Feet Under.

And it kicked OZ from its top spot at my favorite series list. :)

If I'd like to summarize the whole experience in one sentence it would be

“We're all fucked up and people who really really love us are the ones who love us even though they know we're so fucked up.”


This is what I saw in the far from wonderful relationships of Dave and Keith, Brenda and Nate, Brenda and Billy, Brenda-Billy and their parents, Claire and Ruth, Ruth and George, Federico and Venessa, Claire and Ted, …


And as Claire drove away from home to New York for building the life she wants to lead for herself, I just cried my brains out. There were three reasons for this.

One, I remember the day I left home for university. The excitement I had for being independent and on my own for the first time in my life, coming from a little city like Zonguldak to a big city like Istanbul. Even though I visited Istanbul many many times, it was always with my parents. Now it was only me to discover what that beautiful and chaotic city has to offer to me and I sucked it as much as I can. But also the fact that the safe walls you had before, being cracked after leaving home and becoming more and more cracked as years go by, bit me whenever I was watching a film alone (by being the only audience) in a little wrecked independent theater.

Two, as they showed how each character dies in the future while Claire is driving away, I remembered the people I've lost, how death became a simple part of life for me when I was a kid due to facing the death of many people who were really close and special to me, how I couldn't get upset when I hear a relatively old person dying. Yes, a series that takes place in a funeral home was perfect for me.

And three, listening to “Breath Me” from Sia during this whole ending scene.

This series marked the end of an era for me. I felt like I grew a bit more. There are many more striking issues from the series that I'd love to write about but I don't know how I can really mix all of them here and write about it but I might write about them one by one later, or just keep them for myself, I don't know. This post is just for showing the effect of the last 10 mins of a TV series that was so special to me.


[1] “Friends”

"Brida" - Paulo Coelho

I've just finished "Brida" by Paulo Coelho yesterday. It wasn't as fascinating as his other books to me. However, a quote at the end of the book made me completely forget about the parts I got bored while reading. I'm once again glad that I've just finished a Paulo Coelho book.

And here is the quote, (if you want to read the book of course don't read this part) :)

"People give flowers as present because flowers contain true meaning of love. Anyone who tries to posses a flower will have to watch its beauty fading. But if you simply look at a flower in the field, you'll keep it forever.
That is what the forest taught me. That you will never be mine, and that is why I will never lose you."

Istiklal Avenue Diary

When I was here, I used to can't decide which films to go to because there were so many options. But this time I couldn't find a film to go to. Two of my favorite movie theaters are closed. The remaining ones, except for Beyoglu Theater, show films like “Twilight” or “The Sorcerer's Apprentice”. So almost no independent films or European cinema anymore. =(

In Ada Bookshop, they introduced a new section called “Vampirizm” for the vampire related books. I assume this is due to the effect of “Twilight” books and I liked it. Even though, I didn't read “Twilight” and am not keen on reading it, I like vampire related literature a lot. It's nice to have a section for this.

The police in Istiklal Street use mini-coopers or jeeps. Some people get shocked when they see these cars. I heard reactions like “wow, our government is actually rich!”. I found this funny and I don't like seeing cop-cars here. Actually, I don't like seeing cars at all here.

The shops in Halep Passage change places in the passage but remain the same. Also, it's always easy to find things for a present in this passage that reflects my thoughts about the person I buy the present to.

This street changes rapidly and some of the things I really really liked about it are long gone now. I wish I could bring them back. However, it still makes me happy to be here.

Even just walking here makes me happy.

Because I have some of the most striking memories of my life here. Some of the most important people of my life became one of the most important people of my life here. This street let me be who I am without caring about the other people around here. So it keeps the beautiful, joyful moments of my life. It keeps my excitements, discoveries. It keeps my shameful, heart-broken memories. And no matter how rapidly it changes, it'll continue keeping them for me, ready to give them to me whenever I visit.

"Ensaio Sobre a Cegueira" (Blindness) - José Saramago

What does it mean “to see”? What does it mean “to be blind”?

Who sees? According to whom? According to what?

In the land of the blind, what should the one who sees do? Should she/he lead the crowd, take action when people mess things up, or should she/he let the crowd figure things out for themselves?

Are the blind really blind or do they just avoid looking at the places that will make them see?


This book made me question all these things. It has pretty strong metaphors while telling its story. However, even if you don't care about the metaphors and all those questions above, it still has a pretty strong story to tell. That's a huge advantage for this book and its movie adaptation.

This was actually something I've watched and read long time ago but I wanted to write about it now.

"When you're going to love you as much as I do"

This sentence is from the song "Winter" which is written by Tori Amos. Whenever, I listen to this song, it reminds me of my parents because various things that can indicate the meaning in this sentence are said to me by my parents.

I've never loved myself as much as my parents love me. There were times, especially in my high school years, that I questioned this situation a lot. How could they love me this much? I didn't do anything to deserve this love. I always felt bad about this whenever I saw how hard my mom tried to stop my tears, or my dad hurting even more than I do whenever I had a stupid clumsy accident.

But then I understood when I started university. That was the first time I left my parents for that long and I realized what they really are to me. They aren't just my parents, but they are also my best friends, my best teachers, and my companions. Seeing my mom crying destroys my heart and I just want to hug her and cry with her. When I see my dad locking himself in his own world because he is really sad, I try any stupid thing that can get him out of that world and cheer him up. Whenever they have a fight and get separated to different rooms of the same house, I rapidly go back and forth between them, like a tennis ball, to make them forget what just happened. When I can't hear from them for a while I get worried, as they get worried when they can't hear from me.

Now they are also my kids and I also have to be their parents now as much as they have to be my parents, although I am not as good as them yet in being a parent.
Considering someone as your kid makes you realize how meaningless the rest of the world compared to him/her. That's how I understood how can my parents love and value me even more than I do.

We are the three musketeers no matter where we are. :)




For the interested the full lyrics of "Winter" is as follows. (And I love you dear Tori Amos)
I think Tori Amos wrote it for her dad.


Snow can wait
I forgot my mittens
Wipe my nose
Get my new boots on
I get a little warm in my heart
When I think of winter
I put my hand in my father's glove
I run off
Where the drifts get deeper
Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice
"Your must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I can't always be around"
He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear

Boys get discovered as winter melts
Flowers competing for the sun
Years go by and I'm here still waiting
Withering where some snowman was
Mirror mirror where's the crystal palace
But I only can see myself
Skating around the truth who I am
But I know dad the ice is getting thin

When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear

Hair is gray
And the fires are burning
So many dreams
On the shelf
You say I wanted you to be proud of me
I always wanted that myself

He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses have gone ahead
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change
My dear

Hunger - A scene to remember

Imagine a prison, a prison that keeps political prisoners, members of IRA in this case.

There is a long corridor, cells are facing each other on both sides of the corridor, in each cell there are one or two political prisoners. There are no beds or toilets in the cells. Prisoners collect their shit and paint the walls with it. The walls and the prisoners are disinfected periodically.

The prisoners also collect their piss and spill it from under their cell door. The corridor becomes full of piss. A guard first throws some disinfectant over the piss and then passes over it with a broom. The scene that shows this process marks one of the most effective scenes of this film, in my opinion.

As the guard passes over the piss starting from the beginning of the corridor, the corridor becomes shinier and shinier, it turns almost to a mirror and it reflects the cell doors, the ceiling of the corridor and the guard that passes by. The scene ends with passing over the reflections on the floor closely and Thatcher's voice starting to play commenting about the prisoners soullessly.

It is a pretty long scene and some people might find it boring. However, the image it created in my mind was how many nations managed to cover their shit by just slowly sweeping it from their history. They swept it and they left out the shiny parts on the surface.

The film has many striking scenes. This was just one of them. I strongly advice you to watch it if you have a strong stomach.