Istiklal Avenue Diary

When I was here, I used to can't decide which films to go to because there were so many options. But this time I couldn't find a film to go to. Two of my favorite movie theaters are closed. The remaining ones, except for Beyoglu Theater, show films like “Twilight” or “The Sorcerer's Apprentice”. So almost no independent films or European cinema anymore. =(

In Ada Bookshop, they introduced a new section called “Vampirizm” for the vampire related books. I assume this is due to the effect of “Twilight” books and I liked it. Even though, I didn't read “Twilight” and am not keen on reading it, I like vampire related literature a lot. It's nice to have a section for this.

The police in Istiklal Street use mini-coopers or jeeps. Some people get shocked when they see these cars. I heard reactions like “wow, our government is actually rich!”. I found this funny and I don't like seeing cop-cars here. Actually, I don't like seeing cars at all here.

The shops in Halep Passage change places in the passage but remain the same. Also, it's always easy to find things for a present in this passage that reflects my thoughts about the person I buy the present to.

This street changes rapidly and some of the things I really really liked about it are long gone now. I wish I could bring them back. However, it still makes me happy to be here.

Even just walking here makes me happy.

Because I have some of the most striking memories of my life here. Some of the most important people of my life became one of the most important people of my life here. This street let me be who I am without caring about the other people around here. So it keeps the beautiful, joyful moments of my life. It keeps my excitements, discoveries. It keeps my shameful, heart-broken memories. And no matter how rapidly it changes, it'll continue keeping them for me, ready to give them to me whenever I visit.

"Ensaio Sobre a Cegueira" (Blindness) - José Saramago

What does it mean “to see”? What does it mean “to be blind”?

Who sees? According to whom? According to what?

In the land of the blind, what should the one who sees do? Should she/he lead the crowd, take action when people mess things up, or should she/he let the crowd figure things out for themselves?

Are the blind really blind or do they just avoid looking at the places that will make them see?


This book made me question all these things. It has pretty strong metaphors while telling its story. However, even if you don't care about the metaphors and all those questions above, it still has a pretty strong story to tell. That's a huge advantage for this book and its movie adaptation.

This was actually something I've watched and read long time ago but I wanted to write about it now.

"When you're going to love you as much as I do"

This sentence is from the song "Winter" which is written by Tori Amos. Whenever, I listen to this song, it reminds me of my parents because various things that can indicate the meaning in this sentence are said to me by my parents.

I've never loved myself as much as my parents love me. There were times, especially in my high school years, that I questioned this situation a lot. How could they love me this much? I didn't do anything to deserve this love. I always felt bad about this whenever I saw how hard my mom tried to stop my tears, or my dad hurting even more than I do whenever I had a stupid clumsy accident.

But then I understood when I started university. That was the first time I left my parents for that long and I realized what they really are to me. They aren't just my parents, but they are also my best friends, my best teachers, and my companions. Seeing my mom crying destroys my heart and I just want to hug her and cry with her. When I see my dad locking himself in his own world because he is really sad, I try any stupid thing that can get him out of that world and cheer him up. Whenever they have a fight and get separated to different rooms of the same house, I rapidly go back and forth between them, like a tennis ball, to make them forget what just happened. When I can't hear from them for a while I get worried, as they get worried when they can't hear from me.

Now they are also my kids and I also have to be their parents now as much as they have to be my parents, although I am not as good as them yet in being a parent.
Considering someone as your kid makes you realize how meaningless the rest of the world compared to him/her. That's how I understood how can my parents love and value me even more than I do.

We are the three musketeers no matter where we are. :)




For the interested the full lyrics of "Winter" is as follows. (And I love you dear Tori Amos)
I think Tori Amos wrote it for her dad.


Snow can wait
I forgot my mittens
Wipe my nose
Get my new boots on
I get a little warm in my heart
When I think of winter
I put my hand in my father's glove
I run off
Where the drifts get deeper
Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice
"Your must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I can't always be around"
He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear

Boys get discovered as winter melts
Flowers competing for the sun
Years go by and I'm here still waiting
Withering where some snowman was
Mirror mirror where's the crystal palace
But I only can see myself
Skating around the truth who I am
But I know dad the ice is getting thin

When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear

Hair is gray
And the fires are burning
So many dreams
On the shelf
You say I wanted you to be proud of me
I always wanted that myself

He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses have gone ahead
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change
My dear

Hunger - A scene to remember

Imagine a prison, a prison that keeps political prisoners, members of IRA in this case.

There is a long corridor, cells are facing each other on both sides of the corridor, in each cell there are one or two political prisoners. There are no beds or toilets in the cells. Prisoners collect their shit and paint the walls with it. The walls and the prisoners are disinfected periodically.

The prisoners also collect their piss and spill it from under their cell door. The corridor becomes full of piss. A guard first throws some disinfectant over the piss and then passes over it with a broom. The scene that shows this process marks one of the most effective scenes of this film, in my opinion.

As the guard passes over the piss starting from the beginning of the corridor, the corridor becomes shinier and shinier, it turns almost to a mirror and it reflects the cell doors, the ceiling of the corridor and the guard that passes by. The scene ends with passing over the reflections on the floor closely and Thatcher's voice starting to play commenting about the prisoners soullessly.

It is a pretty long scene and some people might find it boring. However, the image it created in my mind was how many nations managed to cover their shit by just slowly sweeping it from their history. They swept it and they left out the shiny parts on the surface.

The film has many striking scenes. This was just one of them. I strongly advice you to watch it if you have a strong stomach.

Velvet Underground - I'm Sticking With You

I'm sticking with you
'Cos I'm made out of glue
Anything that you might do
I'm gonna do too

You held up a stage coach in the rain
And I'm doing the same
Saw you're hanging from a tree
And I made believe it was me

I'm sticking with you
'Cos I'm made out of glue
Anything that you might do
I'm gonna do too

People going to the stratosphere
Soldiers fighting with the cong?

But with you by my side I can do anything
When we swing
We hang past right or wrong

I'll do anything for you
Anything you want me too
I'll do anything for you
Oohoh I'm sticking with you
Oohoh I'm sticking with you
Oohoh I'm sticking with you


This song starts as a very childish love song. Some people might think it is a very stupid and immature love song. However, I think it is one of the most meaningful love songs ever. If you listen carefully you realize that the lyrics and the voice of the singer gets more and more mature as the song goes by. This makes me interpret this songs in two ways, either this song tells about a love story of a couple who started their relationship when they were little kids or this song tells about a love story which started as a simple fun relationship and then grew to be a very strong bond between two people.

In the first interpretation, we have a couple whose love started when they were kids. Now they are both grown ups and their relationship still continues. Therefore, the song might be telling us a long love story of two people who grew up together and their love also grew with them.

In the second interpretation, we have a love story that started as a childish love. As two people stayed together and shared more and more things together their love grew. At the beginning of the relationship the couple didn't think things seriously, they were together just to have fun in their simple relationship. However, as they spend more and more time together, their relationship became more sophisticated. They learned how to really love each other, how to sacrifice things for each other and how to stick together.

I think, both interpretations are very meaningful and they can also be combined. This song shows that, sometimes you don't need to write and perform very complicated songs to express love. This song is short and simple but tells a lot about love.

Oguz Atay - Gunluk (Diary)

When I started reading Tutunamayanlar (The Disconnected) a year ago, I remember saying to myself “This is something like I have never read before”. And it really was something I have never read before. Characters that behave as if they are always hanging from the edge of some hill and they do not have any strong ropes to hang on there, the writing style that chances from chapter to chapter magnificently, the analogies that use scientific stories to symbolize some everyday life social events, the word games, the very smart sense of humor, the chaotic representation of a mind’s thoughts, ... Oguz Atay immediately became one of my favorite authors ever.

Then I have read his Tehlikeli Oyunlar (Dangerous Games), Oyunlarla Yasayanlar (Those Living With Plays) and Korkuyu Beklerken (Waiting for Fear). These books, although did not affect me as much as Tutunamayanlar did, was successful in being different and original as much as Tutunamayanlar. Almost all the stories have a very important common factor; a smart lonely male character that keeps drowning in his own thoughts. In fact, if you try to empathize with that character, it is guaranteed that your mind will become very very tired and you will be very depressed because of trying to follow his thoughts’ flow. You can ask yourself; “How can a person possibly think that much?”and I have always thought this common main character is maybe an exaggerated version of Oguz Atay himself. Now reading his diary made me realize that I was not that mistaken.

However, Oguz Atay’s thoughts are not as depressive as his characters’ thoughts. They might be chaotic sometimes but this is due to his will of putting his ideas on paper so that later he will not forget them. These are mostly ideas related to the books he plans to write and some small articles. As a person who have read those books, reading Oguz Atay’s notes during these books’ creation period was really a great pleasure.

Oguz Atay is a civil engineer. He even published a textbook on Topography, which, according to my dad, was different then any of the textbooks he had ever read and reading it was like reading a novel. Despite being a successful engineer, he is also full of knowledge on things that are not considered as related to engineering. One can see this from his diary, since he makes references to many other authors, films or books. An engineer who loves reading and writing material that are not related to her/his field is uncommon today. Being graduated as an engineer who loves reading books and watching films a lot, while reading this book I felt like I have found a new friend. In the science community, I have seen many people who think reading material not related to your field is useless or boring. This can really be discouraging sometimes when you try to make conversations with people on topics not related to your field. My trade-off is I don’t know as much stuff related to my fields as those people but they don’t have knowledge on film and book literature as much as I do. I don't know which way is better.

Oguz Atay is my favorite Turkish author and one of my favorite authors in general. He has a direct, honest way of saying what he really wants to say and he is courageous. He is not afraid of criticizing himself or the group of people he is associated with. That is the reason he is remembered as “always the opposition”. He is even opposition among the left-wing. This can be seen in his article about Turkey in his diary, which was one of the best articles I have read on Turkey. He, as a person that knows the ideals of the left-wing, well-educated society very well since he was one of them, manages to analyze and criticize both the left-wing and right-wing acts among the different ideological groups in Turkey effectively and he also makes sincere comparisons between eastern and western world as a person who supports the enlightenment ideas of the western world but criticizes the capitalist and pragmatic ideology of the same culture.

I am really happy for the day that I have first heard this guys name. =)

Otto; or Up with the Dead People

I have never watched a film that is as wonderfully weird as this one.

Based on the brief interview with the film’s director, Bruce LaBruce, after the film, I can say that this film has typical properties of a road film, is about alienation and is open to different interpretations on several issues in the film.

Otto; or Up with the Dead People is a road film. Otto, is like a bildungsroman character. At the beginning of the film, he acts like he is new to life. He does not remember his past. He is in wrecked clothes. He does not have a concept of home. He wanders around as if he is unaware of the world around him. Actually, he made me remember Travis’ state at the beginning of Paris, Texas; he is lost in time, space and in his own being. He is on a journey, which he (and we, as the audience) will learn about his past and who he really was.

This film is mainly about alienation. Otto was a vegetarian. He was gay. He was happy. Now he has an identity crisis. He thinks he is dead, a zombie. He is definitely not a vegetarian. He eats lots of meat since he thinks he is a zombie. He is still gay, but he is not happy anymore. He realizes he does not really fit in anywhere now. He had an alienation. He became a stranger to the society he was living in. There are many references in the film that highlights Otto’s alienation from the people once he was living together with.
This alienation is a reflection of Bruce LaBruce's own alienation in his life. During the interview he told us that he and his friends were gay punks. Since they were gay, they felt like they did not really fit in among other punks and since they were punks, they did not really fit in among other gays.

Film is open to interpretations on several issues. First, there is nothing in the film that shows us whether Otto is really a zombie or not. This is something that is left to audience’s interpretation. Second, there is a female director in the film that makes a political zombie movie. She makes some political comments throughout the film. However, we cannot be sure whether Bruce LaBruce tries to be serious with these comments or he is actually making fun of them.

I enjoyed a lot the concept of “gay zombies” and the fact that all the characters in the film are either gay or we do not know about their sexual preferences. There is also a character that is only shown as if she is from an old black&white film all the time, which was a nice detail. Finally, the road movie elements and the gradual reveal of the reasons for Otto’s alienation and his past is beautifully done.
This film was one of the most interesting films I have ever watched, and one of my favorite films ever today. The film is not only weird in a funny way, but also succeeds at being meaningfully sad. And when something is both funny and sad at the same time, I am in all the way.