Farewells

  

He isn’t in his usual position smoking a cigarette on the couch looking out the window. Instead, he is lying on the couch, sleeping. I doubt his hands could hold a cigarette now. They tried different things to make him better. He doesn’t look better. He looks like cancer ate him up into a skeleton.

I am 8. I am looking at my uncle realizing this is probably the last time I see him. I don’t remember when exactly I learned what death was, certainly I am aware of other people who died. But at that moment, for the first time, I really understand what death means; not just the detached awareness of it as something that happens to everyone, but all the emotions that come with it.

My parents tell me it is time to leave and to say goodbye. I am unsure if they mean it as the last farewell or a regular goodbye, but I can’t take chances. I approach my uncle. I want to hug him like E.T. hugs Elliott just before he departs to go back to his space-home. At 8, that is the only “we likely won’t see each other again, and I want you to know that I love you” farewell I know. What is the best way to hug him as he is lying on the couch? Would it wake him up? Would it hurt him? Should I just kiss him gently on his head or cheek instead?

As I am deep in my thoughts, his hand suddenly reaches for mine and grabs it from the bottom. Then, he puts his other hand on top. He squeezes my hand tightly. He can’t speak. But he says his version of “we likely won’t see each other again, and I want you to know that I love you” to me and relieves me of the burden of trying to figure out the “perfect farewell.”

Now I know there are no perfect farewells, and it is a luxury to have a chance to say “farewell” to a loved one before they pass away.

 

She is 6. I want to hug her properly to say goodbye, but I have to be content with a quick side-hug, because she just saw her best friend at the school entrance and ran to her. Last night, while playing the Hello Kitty video game, I was her best friend. Next time I see her, likely a year later, there won’t be a Hello Kitty game. But I hope I can have a permanent place in her life, at least as her (cool?) aunt.

About 5 hours later, I hug her mom tightly to say goodbye, before I depart for the airport to go back to my life in Copenhagen. Her mom is one of my best friends, my Twin Sister. I wish we lived in the same city like we used to, but I was the one who left that city first.

This hasn’t gotten easier, even though farewells are a routine part of my expat life for more than 15 years now. In addition to my visits to Turkey to see close family, I try my best to arrange once-a-year-visit to certain loved ones who neither live in Turkey or Denmark nor go to the same conferences. It takes effort, I have to organize my work schedule and life in Copenhagen around this. Before each visit, I wonder whether this is too much effort at my age now. After each visit, all the doubt disappears, and I am left with bittersweet tiredness.

 

I hug her tightly and say, “We’ll keep in touch.” I wish I could think of something smarter to say. The truth is I don’t know when I will see her again. She is going back to her home country, Argentina, tomorrow, after ~8 years in Denmark. Argentina isn’t in Europe, I can’t go there every year, and there are low chances that work will take me there.

There was a possibility that the Radiohead concert last night was going to be our farewell. While that sounded cool in theory, the reality would have been us saying each other farewell among the super-packed post-concert crowd moving toward public transportation. Once again, there is no perfect farewell, but we are both glad that we didn’t have to do the post-concert farewell.

This is technically our 5th farewell. We did one at my place to say farewell to all the movie / TV evenings we had eating take away food from Wokshop Amager. We did one at Husets Biograf, where we went to the movies together for the first time and our friendship was formed, which was also her farewell to Huset. We did one at her place, which was my farewell to all the peaceful time I spent there with her and her family. And we had a farewell dinner with a group of friends.

She has been my #1 partner-in-crime in Denmark. We moved to Copenhagen around the same time. We met during our early days in Copenhagen. We bonded over our shared love of movies and political/feminist views. We referred to the couch next to the entrance of Husets Biograf as “our couch”. During the first COVID lockdown, she was the first person I arranged to meet in person after almost one month of isolation. She had my extra house keys. …

The third book of Elena Ferrante’s Neapolitan Novels is titled Those Who Leave and Those Who Stay. I love that title. (I adore the books.) I am used to being the one who leaves. I left my parents in 2005. I left Illegitimate Daughter in 2009. I left my academic family in 2014. I left Twin Sister in 2018. This is the first time I am the one who stays, and Sister in Movies is leaving. I know she is leaving for a good reason, I left for good reasons each time and had no regrets after. I am happy for her, but I also know that I will miss her.

 

I miss her. I miss them.

 

Sports ... for Health, or As a Team Activity or Hobby

 

I was going through my work TO-DO list in my head, as I was lifting 5kg on each side of the barbell during the strength training class at the gym, until the class instructor approached me and added an extra 2.5kg on each side telling me in Danish that I look like I can do more. She was right, I could balance the extra 2.5kg the rest of the class time. It took more effort, but I no longer thought about work.

Once upon a time, playing basketball was my favorite thing to do. Today, the only reason I do sports is that unless I do that, my body aches, because I am old now. My body aches as a result of strength training as well, but I prefer that ache to the one that happens when I don’t exercise at all. Going to a gym class is easier than motivating myself to exercise on my own. An exception to this is swimming, but I don’t view it as a sport, it is a part of the relationship I have with the sea.

The attitude of my PhDs and postdocs toward sports is completely different from mine. They are seriously motivated. They run. They climb. They cycle. They do all sorts of strength training. Some of them are even into Ironman events, which are triathlons that include swimming, cycling, and running. Before I moved to Denmark, the only Iron Man I knew was Tony Stark.

I tell people “My team members do sports at the level of ex-drug addicts” as a joke, but no one has laughed at this so far. The source of that joke in my head is the character Mark Renton in Irvine Welsh’s Porno who takes up running to replace the high he used to get from drugs. I am not sure what this (non-)sense of humor says about me, but it is clear that I shouldn’t get into stand-up comedy any time soon.

 

During my sabbatical, I had the pleasure of being invited to various social activities organized by the research groups that were hosting me. One was a water sports activity followed by dinner. Another one was ice skating followed by dinner. In both cases, I only participated in the dinner part and haven’t regretted that decision. (In the former case, I was also on the heavy days of my period.)

I don’t bike. I don’t climb. I don’t ski. I don’t ice-skate. I don’t do any water sports. I hike very seldomly. I am afraid that one day I will be deported from Europe because I refuse to do all these activities that when thought collectively scream “European welfare” to me.

I didn’t get to do sports or elaborate/complex hobbies as a teenager. I had to go to weekend school to prepare for the big university exam on top of going to regular school five days a week, like most teenagers in Turkey do if they want to get into a decent university, which does not necessarily guarantee a job that pays above minimum wage today. My main weekend hobby was watching TV on Saturday nights on our living room couch and then crashing there, and I loved it.

It is lazy to dismiss the more elaborate hobbies or sports just because I didn’t grow up with “European welfare” and can’t feel myself part of it. I know many foreigners in Europe who took up skiing or climbing after moving to Europe and became passionate about them. Also, not all Europeans grow up with welfare and can still enjoy these things. In my case, simply: Life is short, I have limited time and energy, there is a lot I want to do, and I am just not interested in these things. I can’t embrace skiing or water sports or cycling the same way I embrace raclette or avocados or fastelavnsbolle. I once watched a person dressing up for skiing and was like “Nope! Too much.” Water sports, beyond swimming, tend to separate you from the water, so don’t get the point. I admit cycling could be useful, especially to reach the beach/sea faster. But I love walking, it gives me time to think and dream.

Maybe I am not adventurous enough or open to change. Though, having lived in four countries long-term and a couple of others short-term in addition to traveling as much as I do for work, my adventure and change quotas are full and buffers are overflown as is. I will keep it to hobbies and sports that do not require elaborate clothing, gear, expenses, and planning … at least for now.

January Blues & 2025

  

Even though I love my life in Copenhagen, January has been a difficult month since I moved to Denmark.

(1) It is dark. Technically, the days are getting longer, but there is usually an overcast between you and the sun. While I did my best to escape the sun when I was younger, now I am turning into your average plant.

(2) It is cold. Well, it is winter, it should be cold. But the combination of cold and wind is at a level that turns the activity of taking a long walk outside from peaceful to unpleasant.

(3) There are course exams. Grading students for a course may be the least favorite part of my job. There are things I don’t want to do even for money in my life, and grading a student's performance in a course is among them. Many of my colleagues have similar sentiments. I am not sure if the students realize their professors are as uncomfortable about the exams as they are.

(4) Being exposed to all three above right after returning from the holidays in Istanbul, where I get a lot of love and care from the family, amplifies the negative effects.

I refer to this situation as January Blues.

 

This January, I also had two work trips (one to Amsterdam and one to the US). Both trips were awesome, and the latter dissolved my January Blues as it took me to my previous home, downtown San Jose, where the sun was generous and I had some time to hit my old favorite spots in the area. But I am left with scarce energy and time for writing once again. And, just like a student, who is trying to make their deadline at the last minute, I am making this attempt at a blog post for January.

 

I have never reviewed a year with respect to films, TV shows, books … despite going through a decent amount of them. My feelings toward making lists of this stuff for a year is similar to what Emily Nussbaum wrote in the article where she was reviewing the year 2011. Is this pretentious? Who am I to review things? I am neither a TV critic like Emily Nussbaum nor an important person like Obama. I haven’t seen / read everything. People have different tastes, what I like is subjective. I may not like what I liked this year later, maybe it was that particular time / day / occasion that made the difference. Most things I watch / read are the productions of the Western World, and more specifically the English-speaking world. …

So, this is not an attempt to make rankings and lists, but a recollection of a year, which feels more and more distant each day. I know that it is more customary to do this in December rather than January, but I will keep that in mind for 2026.

 

The ordering is based on the order I saw / read things. To keep things manageable, I put the limit of mentioning at most 5 things in each category, even though it was hard. There will be no spoilers in this one.

 

Films:

Coexistence, My Ass!

A great documentary centered around the solo show of the comedian Noam Shuster-Eliassi that tackles the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Sinners

Is this horror? musical? historical drama? action?

Well, it has the best of all of the above!

Den Stygge Stesøsteren

After so many takes on the Cinderella story, can one still do a new take that feels interesting? Norwegian director/writer Emilie Blichfeldt does it in this body horror comedy.

Sorry, Baby

I was impressed by the kind of thoughtful tone this film strikes in a dark comedy that takes on a topic as difficult as this one. It is the first feature film of Eva Victor, who is also the writer of the film and plays the lead. I am looking forward to seeing what they do in the future.

Alpha

Rather than adding another body horror here, I could have picked something else for the sake of diversity. But this is the newest by Julia Ducournau, I dedicated a whole blog post to her previous film Titane, I will always give a shout out to her.

 

Series:

Say Nothing

Technically from late 2024, but I will include here. I have special interest in Irish history.

Sirens

This was the show I discussed the most with other people after watching. Wrote about it also in Childless Petless Plantless Lady: Part 1.

Étoile

The latest from Amy Sherman-Palladino and Daniel Palladino. Unfortunately, it got cancelled after first season. I must admit it had some misses, but it also had great dance pieces and memorable/quotable moments. I already included a quote from it in Childless Petless Plantless Lady: Part 2.

Man on the Inside

The first season of this show is also from 2024. I decided to watch it with the release of the second season, which is in 2025. It is a lovely show on grief, family dynamics, getting older, and intergenerational relationships. I think there should be more shows that focus on older people.

Stranger Things – Last Season

As kids in the 90s, my generation in Turkey grew up watching stuff on TV from the 80s. Early seasons of this show were an overdose of 80s nostalgia, and thus I was hooked. Then, it became something I watched for the characters, and it didn’t matter if it was good or not. Last season was a nice goodbye.

 

Books:

Mixing up some from 2024 here as well, I read them all in 2025, so that part fits.

Rather than adding individual notes here, I just want to give a shout out to the authors of these books. Except for Hisham Matar, I have followed their work regularly over the years and appreciate anything they create. Hisham Matar’s My Friends was given to me as a birthday gift this year by my dear colleague Maria Astefanoaei. I thank her for introducing me to this author.

All Fours – Miranda July

Evil Eyes Sea – Özge Samancı

My Friends – Hisham Matar

Dead or Alive – Zadie Smith

Adulthood is a Gift (Sarah’s Scribbles #5) – Sarah Andersen

 

Music:

I tend to be more conservative in the way I listen to music and don’t do much to discover new stuff. This part is about the artists I got into in 2025, even though they have been around for a while.

Chapell Roan

Discovered when I watched her on Saturday Night Live late 2024. Started listening to her more and more often in 2025. Got to watch her live in Syd for Solen. I think Pink Pony Club deserves to be an anthem.

Fontaines D.C.

Discovered while watching Andrea Arnold’s Bird last year, where you get to hear the music of Fontaines D.C. Especially, Too Real, which plays during the end credits, caught my attention. I can’t believe what I was missing all these years.